JE #3A Cultural Schizophrenia

To me Cultural Schizophrenia describes what I've been feeling for a long time. As someone without a social security number and being born in another country I have a different understanding on what home feels to me. I've never been physically homeless and on the streets but I have been spiritually and emotionally homeless. (sounds kind of dramatic but not really) I am not able to go back to Mexico unless I want to stay there permanantly (hahaha) and here in the U.S. i feel denied a lot of things that people get access to just for being born on this part of the land. 

Because I was raised being told by mom and grandmother being told I was Mexican I tried really hard to embrace it when i was really little. I remember going to Placita Olvera and seeing my mom pray for what seemed a long time and i kneeled next to her trying to do the same. So many times I wanted to be just like my mom and I asked her so many questions about the land I was born in and where my grandma use to take her when they were living over there. I even tried talking like my mom and using her slang (chale, neta, chingada,guey,etc.) but I still never felt like her. I tried really very hard.  She was 18 when she came to the U.S and she misses it sooo much and I want to say I do too but I don't remember our home, and I don't remember my family on the other side. 

I am also the only one in my family with really dark skin because I am the one that looks more like my dad, whom I've never met or remember meeting. This I feel added to me feeling out of place, I remember wishing I was lighter or that I looked like my mom with lighter skin and curly hair but instead I have dark skin with straight hair. "American" is a word I would never identify as (even the Mexico is in North AMERICA too) I have many memories of watching the news with my mom in 2001 through 2010 about the Dream Act which my mom always hoped would pass so  me and my brother could have better opportunities. We saw news about people who kept calling us "illegals" or saying we were leaching off of this country and so much negative things that I will never forget. I have memories of my mom crying saying sorry that she "complicated" my life for bringing me and my brother in a country that is denying us a lot of things. I remeber being mad at her because I was made fun of for taking ESL or for not being able to travel. I don't feel that way towards her anymore.

Because of that I never felt the U.S as being my home. I feel like I continue to long for a place where I feel safe and a place where I am not asked for documentation or even meeting my dad and more of my roots. I continue feeling an identity crisis.. I remember people being suprised that my little sister was my little sister because she was really light skinned and people asking me if I was from India. I continue feeling like I can't wait to be safe home, where ever that is.