JE 3A

Cultural Schizophrenia to me means being lost of a culture and not being able to know exactly where you come from. In my own life, I feel that this feeling of being stuck in between 2 cultures, Mexican and 'American', and the constant internal thought of not knowing where my roots come from before Mexico , really confuses me on what to actually believe. Theres a lot of differences in the way I feel I have to act in certain environments and with different people, especially with language. Theres times when I feel I can better explain myself in Spanish but then feel like it may not be okay to speak a different language in the space I am in. Growing up I didn't really speak Spanish outside of being at home or with other family but as I started to get older and better understand English, I would try to speak English more often even at home. It wasn't until I started college that I began to miss home a lot that I would start to listen to Spanish music very often. When I met the right group of people at UCLA that understood my culture I started to feel the need to speak Spanglish. Now, After multiple classes of chicana/o studies and realizing how important it is to be a raza student on campus, I have realized the beauty of the spanish language. I now embrace my knowledge of it and the value of being bilingual. I feel that it's a way that connects me to my grandparents even though they are all the way in Mexico and a way that I can feel closer to my community and home. I think that my mixed thoughts many times change the way I think of myself and the way others see me. Many times when I am around people who do not speak Spanish I feel that they are judging me and I need to speak a "better" English so they won't think I don't understand. I think that this feeling of mixed cultures or not having "any" exact culture makes me have to code switch more often and have to use it as a way to change the perceptions others have of me.