J.E. #3A

To be quite honest, I have always felt this phenomenon that is cultural schizophrenia, but it wasn't until this class that I had an actual name for it. It feels good to be able to name this thing I feel always, all the time, everywhere. Cultural schizophrenia is more than just being in a state of Nepantla, to me, it means being at a constant battle for your true self. For me, it always manifests itself in the form of questions: should i be speaking like this to my professor right now? but she's raza... but academia/proper English says I shouldn't. Should I be dating who I am dating? But I'm a MEChistA... but I really like him. This definitely makes me feel like I am constantly being pulled in different directions, like I am constantly code-switching. Sometimes it makes me question who my true self is, but at other times I feel this "true self" clearly manifesting itself everywhere with whomever... this is usually when I get backlash from certain environments or people who do not fully understand where I am coming from with this outwardly manifestation of my "cultural schizophrenia." A lot of this has to do with the way I dress vs. the way I speak or vice versa. For example, I'll show up to an English class or a dance class where I am the only student of color in the space and I get the feeling that nobody really expects me to speak up, so I do, and when I do , sometimes I use slang or my "accent" is overtly noticeable so I get the feeling that they don't think I speak "proper English." It's interesting because I immediately feel myself code-switching even though I know that in this day and age I should not have to. As long as my ideals and my thoughts/opinions are in line with each other, it shouldn't matter how I choose to present it to anyone at any given moment. As a result, I do experience this "disconnect" between how I see myself and how others see me. I feel this especially when I go home. It's like because I go to UCLA, I'm all of a sudden "better" more "proper" some even go so far as to say "whiter" than I was before I left for college. It's interesting to me because when I'm at UCLA, I'm the "ghetto" girl or that "one brown girl," etc. It's interesting to finally analyze this within myself because I finally have a term for it-- not only am I a permanent resident of this Nepantla state, apparently, cultural schizophrenia rules my life.