JE#3A BarbaAlexandra

I have felt cultural schizophrenia in spaces that I am not very comfortable in. I grew up in a predominantly Black and Latino community, so ‘comfortable’ for me would be in spaces that consist of these cultures. Although I acknowledge that not every single Black or Latino person can be what I consider to be “safe” I still usually place these individuals in the “safe” category because that’s what I grew up believing. When I say “safe” I mean that I can be around these people and trust that I can act like myself and don’t really need to worry about what I say or sound like. At least, I’ve never had a colored person tell me, “You have an accent.” or ask “Are you from Mexico?” I understand that I am Mexican because my parents and ancestors are Mexican so I don’t care if I am asked, but I hate that when I am asked, it is always in a condescending tone. I feel like once I answer, “yes”, I am automatically placed in an inferior category in that person’s eyes. So, sometimes when I am asked these questions concerning my race, I am afraid to answer. I don’t trust that I’m being asked for honest or innocent reasons. Now that I have taken a language class, when people tell me I have an accent I am quick to correct them and say, “No, it’s not an accent. I took a class on language and it is actually a dialect” and then further explain the difference between an accent and a dialect. Then, while they may judge me because I have the dialect, they at least know I am knowledgeable and have an education, despite being Mexican-American. However, I hate that I even feel like I have to prove or explain myself. I just want to walk freely, speak freely, and not be questioned or looked at like I’m weird or non-American, I mean shit I was born and live in America! I appreciate and embrace my cultural roots, but there have been times in the past when I have been ashamed and now, looking back, I am ashamed for being ashamed because I actually have an amazing history and culture! No matter what anyone thinks! I always feel this pull from not being entirely Mexican and not being entirely American, but I am trying to find a space in between where I feel comfortable and authentic in my own skin, and not fake and act how I think others want to me behave like. I also feel myself feeling uncomfortable when I am asked where I’m from. When I answer, “Inglewood” there is always someone who makes a remark that insinuates that I’m a gangster or I’m ghetto. That’s another question I hate answering because I don’t feel that I’m ghetto and I don’t think I grew up very gangster either. The assumption is always that I am not very educated and that saddens me because, hey, I’m here, I deserve some credit! I think this issue is less about race and more about class so then that makes me feel bad for being born into the working class, but thinking about it, I wouldn’t want to be born into any other class because I appreciate the things I do have and work hard for the things I don’t have.