JE#3

To me, "cultural schizophrenia" means being torn apart by the many contradictions that live inside us including those that affect us from our environment. It means disassociating yourself from your surroundings, your culture and family to try and make sense of what you are. It means breaking away from that which doesn't fit and finding what does. It is identity labor.

Growing up, I remember wanting to be white. I vividly remember remember being jealous of my best friend from elementary school because she was second generation. I told her she was more white than I was, as if that something to be praised for, something to be excited about. She spoke English at home with her parents and I spoke Spanish with my parents. I remember feeling shame that my parents had blue collar jobs. I was ashamed of our mobile home and our neighborhood. The first time I experienced a shift from this feeling of shame was when my family moved to Indiana when I was in 3rd grade. We only lasted about 3-4 months there, but it was the strangest experience. In my class, there were two other brown kids. I was surrounded by white kids and snow. Both which I had very little exposure to. Back in Santa Ana, where I grew up, I tried my hardest to flaunt white culture. I was ashamed of my roots. As an eight year old at that! And once we were in Plymouth (the name of the town), reminiscent of the one of the sites of arrival of the white colonizer, I became Mexican. In some ways, out of choice. When my friends would talk about their favorite musician, they would all mention boy bands and I would respond with "Joan Sebastian." Maybe it was a survival mechanism. Maybe it was a need to prove I was different, but at that moment in time, I identified the most with Mexican culture. A lot of that was probably due to being thrown into a starkly different culture in which I was no longer just another poor brown kid. I was the poor brown kid and I was definitely the only brown kid that could speak Spanish.

It wasn't until the past few years that I have grown a serious appreciation and respect for my culture and most importantly the contradictions involved. This past August, I went back to México for the first time in 6 years. The fear of the drug violence happening over there got to me and I refused to go for a long time. It prevented me from seeing my family. I wish it hadn't been that way. That's another contradiction. The violence that happens because of the high drug demand in the states directly affects the safety of my family in Michoacán. Not only is the border that keeps my family apart a site of a lot of violence, but deep recesses of the country have also been infected.

Possibly, my sense of disconnect comes from my light skinned complexion. I do understand that being lighter affords me a lot of privilege which includes the ability to navigate white spaces more safely. For a long time that part of my identity was the site of much hatred on my part. I had grown to believe that lighter skin was more beautiful and anytime my skin would stray from that, I would get upset. I had to learn to be ok with it. I think that is an ongoing process.