Cultural Schizophrenia JE#3A

I'm not Mexican, that's a fact. I don't dance at your cuñada's pachangas. I can't speak about soccer like a champ. Me and my mother are on completely different planets. We probably always will be. Yes, I grew up in a culturally 'Mexican' house: my mom spoke spanish to me and I to her, frijoles con queso fueled my adolesence, the virgen de guadalupe was spray painted all over my hood. East LA, what more can I say.  But I'm not Mexican. In fact, I feel rejected by Mexican Americans in my community. I was always told I looked like a chino. By everyone. Parents. Friends. So-called friends. Neighbors. Strangers. Everybody but me. And so I felt I can never claim to be 'Mexican', let alone 'Mexican American'.

Fuck America. I ain't one of those either. A hot-dog eating, burger frying, cultural appropriating, mindless movie-watching, suburb-infesting, middle-class living guerito?? I grew up with no money in my pockets. The few times I would get a dollar or two, I became a millionaire. I believe American culture depends on capital and spending power. That was always denied from me. Shit, I bearly even had a dad. Our nuclear family melted down a long time ago, this travesty began before my mom and (dad) even left Mexico. So I'm not like the other white boy Americans here on campus.

Nor am I like the other Latin@s.

I cannot fit into either cultures. And at this point, I'm not even trying.

I remember thinking  when I was a little child, and even now I wonder why I had these thoughts at such a young age, that 'I'm never going to know who I am'. Cultural schizophrenia was a funny term for me when I heard it because it epitomized my entire life experience. Hahaha. 'Oh so you mean there's a word for this shit?' said the 10 year old me when I learned about this concept today.

I don't know what's expected of me as a 'Latino'. And I don't care. I certainly have some traits. I mean, I love Tijuana No!, Selena, Mercedes Sosa, CSS and other amazing music from Latinoamerica, haha if that means anything.  And, as an 'American', I had no idea what that identity even meant. Fuck watching football, (I'd rather watch the sunset). American Idol wasn't for me. I don't know the proper expectations for either cultures. I just take with me what sticks.

When I would ask myself these things when I was a child, and conclude 'I'm never going to know who I am', I would stare at the sunset. Like a little Aztec prince, that was my kingdom. But, as a cultural schizo, I am a foreigner to that which is truly mine.  I cannot explain the pain I felt as a child when I would stare at the blazing orange sunset as it made its way to an unknown destination and I would ask it if I can climb on its back, 'take me with you!!', and receive no response.