JE #3A: Cultural Schizophrenia

I am a lesbianChicanaWomanofColorMexicanaAmericana... I cannot see where else this list will go and will continue to grow into. It is difficult growing with so many different identities some that will not allow themselves to grow unto others. Especially my queerness. One day I had a priest place his hand on my head and embrace me as he said he had a dream I was going to be a nun one day. Awesome. Little did he know I loved vagina. Catholicism has it's own special place in my heart, however it's thorns have definitely torn into my conciencia and my own psyche many times in the past, and continue to do so. When it will stop, no se. My own mores (or better said, my parents mores) have also caused great problems. No se porque, but I remember when I was around 8-9 years old my mom sitting at our dining table with some of my tias, discussing gayness and my mom saying that she felt so bad for any parent that has to deal with their child coming out as being a lesbian or a homosexual. I remember going to bed that night thinking "damn I wish I could be a lesbian just to make her feel everything she just said" I was so angry. However, I was so ingrained with the thought of being hetero and marrying a MAN some day that I didn't even allow myself to consider the fact that I AM queer and question why was I even thinking that at that age. Because I knew, I knew all along. Just last week I told my mother I was falling in love with a beautiful mujer that came into my life, she said that she had no other option but to accept who I was and what my own decisions were however that did not mean that she supported it or wanted to hear about it. How strange to hear your own mother say she doesn't want to know about something that is such a huge part of once's life. After all, it is not often I come home singing "I'm in love." 

Pero ni modo. That's my own border. And yes, many a times I have stopped and accidentally allowed myself to give a fuck about what others are thinking about me. Especially when I can see their malicious thoughts pouring out of their eye sockets. Then I stop and say, "Oh wait I forgot I don't need anyones acceptance but my own."