JE #3A

Cultural Schizophrenia to me means have to deal with two cultures at the same time.  Not knowing what you really or who you really are.  When you finally feel as if you found yourself there is always that one person to knock you down and tell you other words.  For me my struggle has always been am I Mexican or am I American?  Every time I am asked What are you? I always say I am Mexican but I was born here.  So there response is so your American then.  Yet I never really felt as I was 100% American or 100% Mexican and it really has to deal with the  way I speak.

I cannot speak fluent in English.  Growing up my friends and family members always made fun of the way I sound when I speak in English.  There are many words that I cannot pronounce correctly and when I try to read there are words I always get stuck on it never fails.  In middle school my biggest fear was when we used to popcorn read because I never wanted to be called on.  I always feared the other kids would make fun of me because I would get stuck or would need the teacher to help me read.  What I would do is always read the paragraph ahead so that I can make sure that I knew every word and would say it over and over in my head until I think I had it right.  Even now speaking up in class i get scared that I wont be able to communicate what I want in English so I rather stay quiet.

When applying to college I just wanted to go to our local community college.  Yea I was at the top of my School but never felt smart.  When I got accepted to UCLA I was scared I actually cried.  I was full of joy and yet I was scared.  I felt as if they made a mistake in accepting me here I feel like I dont belong here.  Even now in my last year in School I still feel as if i dont belong and still dont belong.  My english hasn't got any better at all.

On the other hand though I'm not fluent in Spanish either.  I can speak it but I cant write it and when I read it I am really slow.  I get tongue tied not only in English but Spanish to and I dont know where I really belong.  I never really felt I fit in because I dont sound like an "American" yet I dont sound like a "Mexican".

Then dont even  get me started on appearance.  I defiantly dont look white with my dark skin but I hardly ever get that I Look Mexican.  I mainly get Indian, or Philippine.  I was even asked by a co-worker once how come I didnt put on a red dot on my forehead did the company not allow it.  I always felt as I looked Mexican and had a big nople on my forehead yet others dont see me in that way.  There are just so many things to say that in one blog it would be ridiculous to even try to show all of the conflicts I have and not knowing where I really belong or who I really am.