JE #3A: Cultural Schizophrenia-My Identity Crisis

Cultural Schizophrenia is an existential identity crisis. To be honest, I have cultural schizophrenia because other people want me to fulfill their cultural expectations; and their inability to cease my comparison to others leaves me in a state of confusion and anger. Sometimes I feel lost because I do not want to claim an identity while other people are quick to label me. 

I find it strange that I am considered heterosexual even though I understand that I have more privilege than the LGBTQ community. I just hate how something so personal requires a label and how it limits my desire. Sexuality is fluid for me because I have girl crushes despite being in a relationship with a heterosexual male. I cannot say that my sexuality is fluid because some people will force me to pick a label. Thus, I am left in confusion because I will never be able to label my desires.

Also, I cannot separate my Mexican ethnicity from my American upbringing. I am the embodiment of their contradictions. I’m fluent in English and my Spanish fluency cannot compare. My initial years in education in America did not allow these languages to coexist leaving me in this turmoil of confusion with my Spanish-speaking Mexican family. There is a lack of understanding because we do not share the same dominant language. Even worse, other people doubt my ethnicity when they compare my physical appearance and English speech to stereotypes of Mexicans. Sometimes, people comment that my eyes look Asian and if I ever have a dark tan I am called black. I’ve been type casted into different ethnic groups and I am angry that people wrongly label my ethnicity based on stereotypes. I did not feel comfortable when my Mexican peers in high school called my Spanish whitewashed because I never labeled myself white. I am culturally schizophrenic because I cannot meet their expectations of a Mexican. It hurts when other people criticize my Spanish so I censor myself because I do not want other people to doubt my Mexican ethnicity. I continue to meet their expectations by not speaking. I also do not meet other people’s expectations because I am an American who claims to be Mexican. I can deny it all I want but I grew up in this country and I was unconsciously assimilating despite my strong tie to my ethnicity. I have an identity crisis because I cannot be satisfied with these two contradictory identities. I doubt I will ever leave behind this crisis.

Cultural schizophrenia rules my life and I will always be lost in other people's senses searching for myself.