JE #7

1. There are many factors of the Catholic Religion I was raised in that I disagree with. One of the most prevalent memories I have of mass is when I was younger and making sense of the whole Catholic Institution. It was around Christmas time, and after the father gave a very inspiring speech on how to remain faithful to the Lord, and to do it out of the goodness of our hearts, several men went walking up and down the aisles with baskets to collect more money from the people. Now, giving money to the Church was nothing new to me, but feeling like I needed to pay for the services or that I owed the church didn't sit right with me. Yet one thing I did find empowering about my cultural religion is that the rituals brought my family together and that every major holiday (Easter, Christmas, etc.) there was a new beginning for us as individuals and as a collective. Second chances were definitely needed in my family, and the church and our religion allowed that at certain times of the year.

I could continue this list for ages, but another thing I never liked about church and the Bible was how patriarchal it was. Women had to be veiled at certain churches we went to, and could never head a mass. Jesus always referenced his mother as “woman” in the Bible and it would piss me off how women were encouraged to stay home and support their men (and nothing else). Queerness was not explicitly discussed, but it was highly suggested that a heterosexual lifestyle is the only acceptable lifestyle there is.

2. Now that I have expanded my border consciousness, it frightens me to believe that Christianity is a MAJOR tool of colonization and persists today within our people. It is used to perpetually reinforce patriarchy and suppress natural human desires. I see it mostly with my mother and the “daring” conversations I have with her after church. Yet eventually I back down because what good does it do me to strip someone of their faith or hope of something good and celestial? As long as my family does not use it to oppress people in front of me (like they did with my sexuality) then I’m fine with coexisting for now until I have more agency in the family as the youngest of 9. Also, I always think about how Christianity brought the Black community out of slavery and gave them hope for living, in a higher being that would save them. Yes I am aware that Jesus should not have a light complexion with blue eyes (geographically speaking), but spiritually, God, or the idea of him has given People of Color hope, and I would be a fool for taking that away from my people when they have enough taken away from them already. Essentially, the way I cope with religion in the household and the conscious mind, I pose questions and wait for answers. Usually there is no clear answer from my family, which is where I spark the discussion. I acknowledge the fact that my frustration is a good, a first step to decolonizing my family and me. We didn't get like this overnight.

3. As aforementioned, I continually ask my family questions. I've learned that attacking them the way they attack me sometimes is not the most health mode of communication. When you approach certain topics like, “Why can’t God be a woman?” or “What was before God?” you go in there with benevolence and wait for them to answer. When they can’t, ask them “why?” Catholicism is a ridiculously effective tool of colonization, how would I expect a devout Catholic to think otherwise. Decolonizing takes time, so choose your battles and dismantle one thing at a time or you’ll have a mess.

4. I identify as Bisexual but not necessarily so much Catholic anymore. After my time here at UCLA, I have not prayed or gone to church as often as I “should” (in my mother’s words). In terms of coping with a family that is not necessarily religious, but culturally practicing Catholics, I’ll participate in events like Lent, more as spiritual and internal reflection rather than doing it for the sake of the Lord. To be honest it’s still scary for me to be labeled as an “abomination,” but it’s something I readily face as a key facet of my identity.