JE #7: Religious Borders

Raised an adamant catholic, I attended catholic school from the age of 6. If this wasn't enough patriarchal training for the mujer, I also began to attend military school from the age of 13. My life in a fucking nutshell. Layer and layer of domination. At the time, however I did not see it in that way. I remember sitting in class, reading the bible and the damn words that have stuck on my mind all these years, "the catholic church is the only church that has never had to change since the beginning of its conception." 

No shit it's so backwards and reeking with child-molesting sex-deprived men. 

 

This may sound like a rant, and if it does, I blame it on the amounts of ibuprofen I am under due to a cold that UCLA students have been sharing all quarter (what a sad world). 

I found a journal about a year ago, it was a book my father started (autobiography) where he began to write down his life, how religion saved him, and how he now lives to serve the lord and his family. Well, if I could only hold my father accountable for each and every lie written in that book, I would be a rich woman. Pero nimodo. I used to be an adamant catholic, I used to believe in heaven and hell, and our priest even told me he had a dream that I was going to be a nun some day. Well, I can still see that. I wouldn't mind living in the middle of nowhere with a bunch of women, no men, and a room full of holy-wine. 

I am a two spirited woman, I can't call myself a feminist. I have yet to balance my identity with that of my parents and very catholic padrinos. I have yet to come out to my godparents, therefore I obviously have not dealt with this damn religion/sexuality border. Will I? Well last time I saw my madrina, she was introduced to my short hair and tattoo covered arms--shock to say the least. I can't set foot in the church I grew up in, was baptized in, and had my confirmation and first communion at without picturing the many years my ex girlfriend used to pick me up and from catechism. I denied all religious affiliation once I left for college. It wasn't until recently that I began to practice a form of catholic spiritualism, (different from indoctrinated Catholicism) that has allowed me to reclaim all those years of experiences and learning. I am not ashamed of being some-what catholic, or being two-spirited, it's actually quite interesting. However, I do have yet to shut that voice in the back of my head that tells me I am wrong for doing the things I do. Wrong for practicing a sexuality that isn't normal.