JE #9

1. It was very interesting to read and further investigate the relationship between the US and Mexico. Even though I had known of the Guadalupe-Hidalgo Treaty, I didn't know the specific details that went along with it. It was very upsetting to know how certian clauses were removed or altered, to benefit the US rather than Mexico. It clearly shows how the US has always been the northern bully to Mexico.

 2. I feel that the easiest theory for me, and most individuals, is our awareness of the borders in our lives. We have so many, whether they're historical, personal, and/or cultural borders, even the political borders, we all have been effected by one, or a few, in our lives. I constantly struggle with my queer identity and religious borders in my life. That was, and still can be, a difficult border, especially in a Mexican Catholic household. Though it has gotten better, it still shows up from time to time.

Another theory of Anzaldua that I understand is of the Coatlicue State, only because I've gone through that stage. It's an extrememly dark stage; I felt very alone. I, myself, did have a crisis in my life, a very tough decision that I needed to make: let the death of my grandmother affect me or, rather, have her death be the reminder that I need to keep living my life and continue on with my education. I was sick, I was paralyzed; I couldn't get out of bed for days. Eventually, after much time and reflection, I was able to start my journry out of my cave and I'm in a much better place in my life, but I still have much more progress to make.

3. The theory that I'm having the most difficulty understanding, not because the concept doesn't make sense to me, is Mestiza Consciousness. My difficulty is how can I accept and tolerate the contradictions and ambiguities in my life when I'm still so hurt and angry by everything. The borders and contradictions in my life have left scars, some visible and others not so much, but the truth is I don't know if I'm ready to let them heal. My scars are a constant reminder of the pain; no matter how much the pain goes away, the scars remind me of the pain once inflicted on me. I understand how by achieving Mestiza Consciousness is a healthy and, essentially, the right thing to do but it scares me; I just don't think I'm ready to accept, yet.

5. My own level of consciousness, I would say, is a bit higher than others in the class. I, through Chicana Lesbian Literature, have been able to assess myself and then (and still now) I'm in Anzaldua's section of Tlilli, Tlapalli, writing from the red ink to the black ink. I've already been through my phases of understanding my borders, my Shadow Beast, even through the Coatlicue State but I'm stuck here in this writing process. This, I believe, has been the phase I've been in the longest. I can't seem to make any progress out of it because I'm afraid of reaching Mestiza Consciousness; I'm not ready to tolerate contradictions and ambiguities. The films and the readings in the class have helped me write in at a deeper level; really understanding how the borderlands is very much alive and present in my life.