JE #7: Religious Borders

When I first started writing this blog I figured that because I do not consider myself to be part of any organized religion that I don’t contend with religion in regard to my feminism and sexuality in a way that others might.  As I finished writing I found that I was wrong.  Before I explain this realization however, I want to start with how I religiously identify.  I feel that I have more or less rejected the weak connections I had to Catholicism and Jehovah Witnesses in my upbringing.  Currently, I find myself in a spiritual Nepantla space, constantly negotiating between Atheism and Agnosticism.  Ironically, I feel that my rejection of my family’s religions mirrors my sexuality in that I am closeted in my beliefs.  In many ways, I am fearful of further rejection and alienation because of my spirituality.  My grandmothers and other members of my extended family were raised very religiously.  Even today at almost eighty my maternal grandmother goes to mass every Sunday.  Both my mother in particular were raised very religiously, not attending an non-ecclesiastical school until high school.  My paternal grandmother also maintains a very strong religious belief and tried to reinforce this on my father, but I’ve only witness a frail expression of his religious beliefs.  As a child, I mostly went to mass with my mother on Sundays.  We did not go particularly often, usually attending during Easter or when my grandmother randomly wanted us to come with her.  I remember always hating going to church.  We usually had to stand for the entire session as we arrived late.  I was always embarrassed to sing strange songs, and hold and shake hands with strangers.  As an introverted child, this was all torture.  Afterward, we would be treated to a wonderful breakfast and I would hope we would not have to go back to church for some time.  It was rare that we went to church with other Jehovah’s Witnesses, which is called Kingdom Hall.  We did this only once a year or every few years and I remember feeling even more isolated than in mass as the attendants I had usually never seen and the hymns were completely unfamiliar to me.  My mother also had an acute displeasure with this religion, rolling her eyes and shaking her head if I peaked back to look at her.  As I grew older, we attended mass and Kingdom Halls less and less.  Thus I was never particularly connected to either religion.  At different times, my grandmothers would gently try to get me more interested in Catholicism or being a Jehovah’s Witness.  But I didn’t understand why there was so much importance being placed in boring church sessions, an old book that I had never read, and which forced me to be around people I didn’t know and be falsely kind to them when I just wanted to go home.  It did not seem of great importance to me or to my family besides special occasions.  Because I failed to see its relevance and later questioned it veracity I became distant from spirituality I as grew older.  Additionally, the realization of my own queerness even further alienated me from my parent’s religions with its queerphobic rhetoric never far and sometimes reiterated by religious schoolmates and friends.  If anything, this ensured it would play no part in my life.  Ironically, however, it still has.  Despite the fact that I am in college and queerness and feminism has grown to play an ever more important role in my life and I feel no reason bind myself with my religion, it still hovers and judges me for my sexuality.  Religion has been the main reason as to why I am not out to most of my extended family of either side, outside of a few accepting cousins.  Even if I though that not being Catholic or a Jehovah’s Witness would let me escape from the suffering I have already seen from hyper-religiosity I am still their shadows.  This has only generated more resented and hate toward these religions.  Though they have erected a border of cultural schizophrenia, I still find spiritual comfort through Agnosticism by believing in some greater cosmic, teleological force without the oppressive tenets that many religions bring with them.  While there is also kind of beautiful liberation and rebellion in atheism, there is also an unexpected and often unexplainable loneliness that comes with it which further prompts me to consider agnosticism as an option.  However, my occupation in this spiritual nepantla space occurs out of sight of my parents and extended family.  I don’t know what would constitute a more egregious act, declaring myself as queer or Agnostic.  I imagine the latter, as I cannot imagine telling anyone except my father that I identify with either of their religions. I know that one day I will be out to everyone as both queer and possibly agnostic.  But as long as I am dependent on others financially, I feel forced to be closeted and falsely catholic in order to be supported.  For my grandparents, I do not come out partly because I do fear rejection.  How and when I will and can resolve this I do not know.