JE #10

Miguel Chico

Mama Chona

Felix Angel

Ivon Villa

Lupe Velez

Shark's Tooth

Carmelita Torres

Rudy Robles

Charlie Smith

Lauren Adrian

Unknown voice from the sky: Speedy Gonzalez is the host of the show Border Unconsciousness.  We are here at the lovely detention center in El Chuco, TX, right next to the infamous Chamizal Center, the site of a border dispute between the U.S. and Mexico.  Let's introduce our guests, Miguel Chico, Mama Chona, Carmelita Torres, Charlie Smith, and Rudy Robles.  Give them a big round of applause, audience!  

Speedy: Andale! Andale! Arriba! Arriba!  Let's meet our first guest, Miguel Chico!  Miguel is a maricon living in San Pancho who doesn't like to see his family and has to go caca in a bag hanging outside his body.  Verdad, Miguel?  He hates to visit his family in El Chuco porque they stress him out too much, and they ask too many questions.

Miguel Chico: [looks sheepishly away and nods] I, uh, have nothing to say.

Speedy: Joto got your tongue, Miguel Chico?  Next, let's meet his abuela, Mama Chona, que se cree muy española pero tiene ojos de una india pobre del rancho!  Verdad?  Come on, audience!  Doesn't she look like her name, Olmeca? 

Mama Chona: NO SOY INDIA! SOY PURA ESPAÑOLA!  MI FAMILIA ES DE LA RAZA BLANCA DE EUROPA!

(laughter from the audience, Speedy, and Carmelita Torres)

Charlie Smith: (muttering): I would deport all four of you back to Mexico!  Including you, Speedy!

Speedy: You have to catch me, first! (A Benny Hill-type chase scene with many scantily clad women resembling Charlie's wife ensues.)

Rudy Robles: Chingate, Charlie Smith!  I was born in East L.A.!  I am as American as apple empanadas!  I got stuck in TJ without my wallet.  See, meester!  I am Americano!  I am not no Mexican!  USA!  USA!  I was in the armed forces!  USA! USA!

Carmelita Torres:  Con ese nopal en frente, Rudy?  I started a riot on the border!  Yo y otras mujeres mexicanas lucharon contra los hombres de dos paises!  Y ganamos!  Yo tengo border y mestiza consciousness...ustedes necesitan ayuda.  [tosses a book towards them] Leen este libro.  Esta mujer sabe que esta diciendo.  [Carmelita Torres walks off the set.  The book is Gloria Anzaldúa's Borderlands/La Frontera: The New Mestiza]

Speedy:  Let's give Carmelita a big round of aplauso, audience!  Her reward is deportation back to Juárez!  Take her away, Charlie!!  Always good to have una pinche migra on the show!

[Charlie Smith attempts to apprehend Carmelita Torres.  She withdraws a machete from her rebozo and slices off one of his arms.  As he writhes around the floor, bleeding and crying out in agony. she continues to "Coyolxauhqui" Charlie Smith.  His corpse dematerializes, as does the border.]

Speedy: All right, everybody!  Carmelita fought off her patriarchal oppressors!  She wins this round of Border Unconscious!  [hands a wrestling champion belt to Carmelita.  Carmelita walks off on the shoulders of the applauding audience and with Speedy behind them.  The other three remain on the set isolated from each other.  The set turns dark and a spotlight shines on Miguel Chico, Mama Chona, and Rudy Robles.  All are naked.]

Miguel Chico: [whispers] I hate this body.  Please, Rain God, take my spirit.  [He slumps in his chair and the spotlight fades.]

Rudy Robles: [mutters] I am American.  I was born in East L.A.  [He curls into a fetal position and the spotlight fades.]

Mama Chona: [shouts defiantly and repeatedly] Soy española! [reduces to a whispering cry] No soy india...[spotlight fades].