What aspect of the historical borderlands section of the course do you feel you've learned best? What do you really know now about the history of the U.S.-Mexico border that you did not know before you took the course?
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The aspect that I meditated the most on in regards to the first section of the course, historical borderlands, was De Leon's microhistory and the anglo narratives surrounding Mexican women's 'desire' for anglo men. These men literally thought that Mexican women were spewing with desire for them and therefore justified their own sexual lust for colored women.
Reading the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo was the most important part of this section for me. Understanding the racist undertones within the 'treaty' allowed me to understand the deep rooted racism that foreshadowed race relations within the US today. Especially as a Chicana, a Mexican-American, neither American nor Mexican, understanding the origins of what is now the third nation is crucial to my own development and my own border conciencia.
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Which one(s) of Gloria Anzaldúa's theories about the borderlands do you feel you really understand? How does this theory (or these theories) apply to your own life?
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La teoria de el estado Coatlicue. why? Because I am stuck in it. Alone, stuck, waiting, not knowing whats next, stuck looking back.
Detaching myself from one identity, shedding that skin, but having so much fear of completely letting go that I am not allowing the new skin to breath and continue growing. I am utterly stuck. My spirit asks for water, and I cry. I stare into the sky and the rain drops help me pull the salty tears from my pores. But it is so hard. One day I cry and inhaleexhale like a baby. The next day it feels like a dream, like that moment, those tears, never happened.
Stuck again.
A needle is pulled and another pierces my flesh.
stuck again.
Waiting.
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Which theory or theories of Anzaldúa's are you still having difficulty understanding? Please discuss the difficulties you're having?
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The teoria of the shadow-beast. I have free written, I have medidated, I have dreamed, I have produced yet I am still having trouble identifying the shadow-beast in my own life. I cannot understand this beast until I can face and acknowledge its presence. I see it has my father's face, the church's face, but in another reflection I see it growing, expanding under La Virgen and the earth. I see it as myself but I cannot detach myself from it.
I make no sense because it makes no sense to me.
I understand it is a face, an espiritu, hiding within me, through Anzaldua I understood it as the aspect/s of yourself that society tells you are wrong and therefore you hide them deep inside until they fester and form ulcers that eventually manifest themselves until you are forced to give them attention.
My sexuality, my gender confusion, my desires, my masculinity? Is that my monster and my rebel? When it sees its own reflection in society it is a beast, a knife waiting to be used. When it sees its own reflection/when i see my own reflection in MY Virgen in my crystals, in my feathers, in my earth, I see strength. I see this energy manifest itself as a fire that still scares me.
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How would you rate your own level of border consciousness at this point in the course? Are you, for example, just coming face to face with your monstrous Shadow Beast? Are you "entering into the Serpent," or do you feel like you're falling into the "Coatlicue State"? How are the films and readings contributing to this experience?
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I've asked myself time and time again where I am as Cristal right now. I keep having dreams that guide me to different people in my life, so I approach them and I tell them what our spirits are saying to eachother. Everyone has something different to tell me. I think my spirit knows something that I am either not ready to know or unwilling to hear. It's getting angrier and angrier at me and looking for answers in others and refusing to speak to me. I asked Mellissa to move in with me, the day after she moved in, the Thursday we watched Bordertown and I finished reading Desert Blood, the fucking ulcer that was growing over my spirit's words burst forth and poured out of my eyes, my ears, my hands, and my belly button.
I weeped. I weeped. I weeped.
It hurt so much. I saw the face of my father. I saw a fear.
Then I realized that its power was overcoming my feminine spirit and I saught to create balance by ignoring the masculine and focusing on my feminine. I know realize that was a mistake. That energy I ignored is now bursting and physically manifesting itself. I never realized how strong it was that it was emanating out of my pores without me even noticing.
I cut my hair. And i forced myself to face my masculine spirit.
That is why I am scared.
I see such rooted patriarchy within myself that I scream, "FEMINISM," "MUJERES FOR LIFE, ESE," yet I sit here and try to claim dominance over those women that surround me.
I called Mellissa princess for weeks until I realized what I was doing. I was buying her dressed until I realized what I was doing. I was on the verge of cheating when I realized what I was doing.
I was following the footsteps of my father.
I am facing my shadow-beast.
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